Any one who observes the social media side of kink and fetish will regularly log in to see the latest content controversy retweeted, subtweeted, and sparking a thousand threads on session safety. But what causes the repreating cycle of clickbait and conflict?
Waking up to the platform formerly known as Twitter flooded with retweets of a submissive being set on fire and jumping into a pool was not on October's bingo card, but here it is and forgive My muted feelings towards this months controversy.
Working as a real time Dominatrix, I feel more and more disconnect from the online machine that constantly demands content and pushes creators into a race to the bottom, both in price and standards. Sex workers who are entering this sphere are given little space to learn and grow under the tutilage that more experienced SWs traditionally give one another for free, and instead are encouraged to spend on guides that may not relate to their circumstance or give little grounding in the very core of BDSM practice. Newbies are thrown into a sea of unrealistic financial expectation and left vulnerable to the sharks that will take their bite and leave SWs facing damaging consequences.
Holding someone's life and safety in Your hand requires not only skill and insight, but a large amount of humility: the ability to take tutilage and prioritise the safety of the submissive, even when it makes the Dominant lose face. The ability to maintain intergrity, to own Your own shit and act responsibly is the sign of a great leader, and those who ignore RACK for the sake of followers cannot consider themselves in control of their actions, and therefore worthy of the trust and respect awarded to a Dominatrix. We are all resposible for calling out errors where they occur, and offer the safe space to correct them whilst recognising why they may happen.
We should be able to disagree and debate and find a middle ground without attacking, without the fear of pile ons and losing everything. It's counterproductive. One thing that's key to this is condemning the actions not the person. She's probably a good pal, sister, cousin etc to many. She has emotions, good qualities in her etc. That doesn't change. She did a thing not She IS a thing.
We are meant to be the mainifestation of nightmares and dreams, We roam the outskirts of society because We embody something so few are willing to openly accept in themselves. Our time is expensive, and Our boundaries enforced with steel because We are so often villifuied by mainstream society, So seeking acceptance and popularity in the mainstream with aspects that belong behind the velvet rope of clubs and private scenes, drags the community into the harsh scrutiny of a media without nuance. It throws Us to the dogs, savage dogs that hold the power of legislation in their teeth and need no futher excuse to criminalise Femdom and Our sex work collegaues into oblivion.
I am asked daily for acts and content that I neither offer nor consider to be Femdom and I refuse. I have lost business and some popularity, but I have never confused the freedom to do what i want as an empowered Woman with the pressure to do whatever men demand of Me, whatever the cost.
So, no I wont compromise for the demands of clients, and no I wont shame those who offer differing services, in the words of Missy Elliott "Aint no shame ladies do your thing, Just make sure youre ahead of the game", but I will push for clarity in the industry of what is expected of Us as Dommes and Our commitment to professionalism in a marginalised industry.
BDSM will never be a sphere of clean cut decisions and rules, but We are nothing without trust, The trust that We wont set Ourselves, or indeed Our clients, on fire.